WHAT

I still don't know what to do. who's guilty? who's not? who loves who and who did what. My mind is so unclear, you have no idea of how much i love "D", like just too much but this was just way too much and like I said, every single time I try and imagine what happened makes me want to cry. This is bad and idk how is it gonna get solved, or is it? still don't believe it. I think i'm over reacting. I still didn't know if I was gonna kiss "B" and I still don't know, I don't wanna do it for revenge, what now. just tell me what to do.

I...

think I blew it .... HARD, I didn't knew what to do, but it just felt like a stab right in my heart. I just REALLY like him, like i've never loved someone and it doesn't sounds so bad until it happens. I still don't know what I'm gonna do on Friday, "B" is coming and I just dont think omg "D" just IMed me at like 8 AM outta nowhere. pftt.

Oh yea "B" is coming on Friday and we're doing something, still don't know what or where OMG ICE SKATING! Ahaha that would be cool! But for now I need to get well, I have this cold thing, I skipped school today. But no seriously ........ OMG this is getting interesting, crying during the kiss? what in the world is going on.

I have no...

...idea on what to say/think/feel. But I do know the thought of it is making me wanna cry. My eyes stopped reading and my heart stopped pumping after "I did."

oh.my ...

It happened ...............



what can I say, I'm sshoocckkeddd, i'm speechles, for real? wow. just....wow. God knows what was I doing while this happened, maybe it happened when I decided I was not gonna kiss "B" cause I wanted "D" to be my first real kiss? omg i'm just, just. seriously no words at the moment, I'm not mad but dissappointed, I still don't know who was it, and I think it was "T", the MAJOR jerk. Now what. I'm not gonna go kiss "B" because of this, I'm not that kind of guy, not anymore... I need to handle this in a proper way. fuck tho.

j e a l o u s y

He tweeted he's in the movies with some guy and I don't know if it's "T" or just someone else but this sure is jealousy. Grrrrrrrrrrrr I'm all depressed in my bed with a cold thinking about life feeling crappy while he's out in the movies with some guy and god knows what could be happening there right now. But I trust him enough to think he's doing smart decisions...? Pftt well he prolly will feel like I do now when "B" gets here. It's been a hard week, I don't know what the fuck he's doing there, what if HE DID already. ononoonnononononon i don't wanna picture that. What if he kissed someone? If this isn't pain then god strike me dead.

I rather have him kiss 5 random guys than "T". fuckingloser.

Oh! And he comes back tomorrow and like there's ONE day left! what if he did alreaaddyyy?? aaaaahhhhhhhh imafuckinglifelessloser.

I'm just feeling shitty for say the least. drag me to hell. aaahhhh pissed pissed pissed

ithinki'mabouttocry

i really don't like this :`(

jerks...

I agree that we both need maybe someone to "be" with or just go out with or anything and I respect that, but why the biggest jerk ever!!! FOR REAL If someone told me I wasn't good enough and then came back for something I would never ever even think about it. And I'm worried he thinks he's as good as me, and he treated him like bbaadddd and gets the same or better treat as me? grrr I mean I rather have him going out with 5 guys that treat him right that just....him. For real and I know my words don't even have a place and won't even matter but I just want him to be happy and if youre with a jerk thats a no can do. I better not find any way to contact that big ass cunt. aggghhh i just love him and like i'm here powerless watching how it gets more messed up than it already is. ppfftt

poptarts...

Okay I'm calmed now and I see a bit clearer now, I think I have a clue on what to do. You know what? The person that's waiting for me far away, 10 months away is the most special person I ever met in my whole life who means SO MUCH too me. That person is worth more than a gazillion of billions of diamonds and just melts me with every little thing, every little action and every little word. So imma talk things through and just try to make it happen cuz I really want us to be together and if I have to wait 10 months to move there i'll find a way because I know it will be all worth it in the end. I can't wait cause that person is really all that I've been looking for, for real, if I had to write my perfect partner it would be just like that but this one comes with bonus features!!! haha so yeah u know what? I'm too young to get stressed and go through bad stuff, I'll just make it worth, for us. I just hope I keep myself bussy so time goes fast... now thats love, true love for real and one day imma proove it. And it sucks cause they don't know how long is taking and they don't know how much is hurting. But for that person i would take a bullet and I would rather go out on a date than be the pussycat dolls friend :O ahah

l.o.v.e

What the heelll is wrong with humanity for god's sake, it's all messy and just not okay. Love is the best thing that could EVER happen to someone. But what if the one u love is far as heck from you, how in the world would you even manage to TRY and make an efford to be in a relationship, I'm not saying I'm in one, but I would be. What about past loves? Does anybody agree with me in that when you end up something with someone there's still a little spark going on between you two? What if it suddenly grows back!? Its not just something as small as a spark, it's playing with fire now. But that's not as far as it gets, what if both of this issues happened at the same time? What if you love someone so much that you would take a bullet for them, and what if mean you're trying someone from your past manages to get back into your life or even worst, your heart. Shit, well believe me it's not fucking easy, since its kinda happening in here and fuck, you have no clue of how confused I am. I have zero clue of what the hell am I supposed to do. If I wait for 10 months I'll be with the freakum love of my life, now I can't be with the person from my past because I tried to make it work, it was going good, oh it was great, but it all stopped when things got heavy on the other side and I was ridiculized and stomped like a bug. Fuck it, i'm not gonna beg for you to come on and get some common sense to not dumping me without saying a word to me, but I appreciate the fact you talked to me about it eventually even if it was late as hell. So what to do, should I take a break from all of this major ass drama? I'm pissed, I'm pissed at myself and pissed at the world god knows why. But now, okay listen, now, what if the love of my life had a similar case!? And what if that person from its past came back and asked for something, something big and something just that it's really sick to my mind, I agree that people have issues and that they just don't understand their significant others but I would never, ever in my right mind would say to someone "you're not good enough", I mean not literally say it but just.....you know, and UGH. Nobody should hear those things, if someone tells you you're not good enough then fuck it cuz you know what? There's someone out there that's waiting for you, that's proud of what you are and what you do, that thinks you're good enough and way much more, someone that would faint if he could get the honor to be your significant other, someone that wouldn't care what other people think as long as you're together, someone that would climb the highest mountain, sail the biggest seas and fight the biggest beasts just to be next to you. And what if that's me? but then again, what if. fuck. S.O.S

The start of something new (?)

I'm making this blog to let it all out, it SICK and TIRED of not dealing with things that matter to me that nobody ever wants to listen, yes this is my emo place and my way to get it all out. I don't know how often I'll be writing in this thingy but right now my bipolar self wants to swear out loud. Just fucking read if you want to.